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[personal profile] annyka
Another one of my journal entries. I was 16 when I wrote it - it's not dated though. I tried to commit suicide after writing this:


My life is no longer normal. I have changed. No one really knows and no one really understands. Life is never the same. My emotions are different. My deepest feelings have changed and now they want to get out.

No one has ever accepted me, for me. I was always a picture, a lie. I never lived anything but a lie. If I was myself, I was a social outcast, thrown into the rubbish dump. Never good enough for society.

Why I got these emotions, I never knew. I still don't and probably never will. No-one cared enoguht to help me find out, and now it's too far away, too late to find.

School was the worst place for me. I was a one hundred percent lie. I said I enjoyed school at home and hated. I pretended to be someone I wasn't to et attentions and friends. I hated myself and no one ever knew. I should of been an actress.

People expect me to acheive, now. I did at school, why not now? I don't want to. I am the butterfly excaping from her cocoon. My real personality is about to arrive. Is anyone ready? Don't be scared. I don't know what to expect and neither will you. A total mystery.

I often sit in my room and think this, but I never have the courage to open up. I could never handle the rejection, pain and sorrow. I have lived a lie too long. Maybe a little longer than eleven years. I am now sixteen and still a disguise.

What way is there out? My head cries for help. My inner personality wants to reach fro freedom. It has been locked up for too long. Have the keys rusted away? Is it too late?

Every day I keep to myself. I associate with people, but feel alone. If I were what I am, would these people, my friends, still care? Do they only like my lie? My acting? Will I ever find out?

Many times I feel the only way to freedom is suicide. To let my personality out, I must kill my lie. But my lie is too powerful and overriding. If I kill it, I kill myself. I am the lie.

The creature inside me reaches to get out. Screams for help. The keys are too far to reach, but it will never give up. The lie torments it. Allowing the creature to believe it's defeat. The creature believes it's free, begins to escape, until the lie regains its power.

Music calms me. Puts the creature at rest. Whenever there is music, there is a chance. There is always another day. The lie may not be dead, but one day it will be. No matter what the extent may be. It must go.

Why do the screams hurt? Why can't I help them? I need someone to help, but no one else hears the cries? They are so loud, so tormented.

I must shut the sound out, but they won't stop until the creature escapes. GO AWAY LIE! DIE! I no longer want you. I no longer need you.

I must be going crazy. I am no longer humane. The creature wants out ad it will do everything in it's power to suceed.

Doesn't anyone care? What have I done wrong? I have no control anymore. I doubt I ever will. The force is too strong. I never believed I was capable of such powers. If I don't get help now, I may no longer feel alone or defensless - but nothing. The feeling of darkness.

I don't want to die. The voices tell me different. It is just the screams trying to get out. Out of the darkness. Suicide is the only possible way. Any other way, no one would know. No one listens. No one cares.
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annyka

January 2009

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