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I've decided that...
Jun. 20th, 2006 05:05 pmI really need some professional help. Not to please others, but for myself. It's about time I grew up and did what I said I was going to do, instead of playing games.
I have my means and ways of finding out information, and innocent people are getting mixed up in the mess, just because they have some loose connection to me (i.e. Skye from my lifestyles group) and there are even people I don't even know getting blammed for stuff (a chick called Ritamumof2 on a site...
It's not fair to all those people who get banned from a site they like, because of me - Nicky, Christie, Jami, Shannon etc... Even though they say they don't care, as the site became bitchy anyway... But it's all my fault.
I have lied so much in the past, that it's now eating away at me. I said I got counselloring when I didn't. Well I did, but that was before all the shit went down. I did speak to the school principal, and he has said the education department provides a free counselloring service. He did give me the number to contact, but I didn't and now it's lost.
My first step to recovery is to organise a counsellor - I am going to ask the Principal for the number again tomorrow. I have spoken to Shaun about it, and he says that if I need it then go for it. I really think I need it.
My second step to recovery is to speak to the main person caught up in this mess, and getting hurt by me. I don't mean to cause them pain. I am scared to, as I want to have confidentiality in what I tell her, but I don't know if I can get that after the things I did to her. I don't want her running to her friends/family and online support group telling them what I said. I am going to have to trust that she doesn't. And after I tell her what I want to tell her, then I won't be able to check up - as I am telling her the means I have to get the information I have been getting.
My third step - and hardest step - to recovery is to actually stay away, stop getting into the system or attempting to get in. I need to let everyone be and leave them alone.
It's funny (not in the haha sense), because the reason I am still there and annoying them, is because I know I can get a reaction. I sit silently reading their posts, thinking - this is boring, I am going to give up, but then I do something to let on that I have access and then shit hits the fan. I find Kattikus the most ammusing.... She says things like "I can't believe she [me] thinks we still talk about her" - well you are!! That's why I am still there. If people just ignored me, like admin keep telling her, and not reacting to the things I do, then it would be easier to get bored and finally leave them alone.
Well... I am leaving this post public, because I don't care who reads it. mummy2kieran might read it and tell her friends to read it.. and they will all go on about how it's all a ploy/I've said I am going to do it before and didn't. I'm just a liar. But I don't care.
For all those who do care about me, and believe I am genuine, I ask for your support. Check how I am going with the counselloring. Encourage me to get over it and leave the poor girls alone. I don't want to be a stalker - and I am sure that what I am doing is bordering (if not actually) stalking. I am disgusted with myself. Well I think I might try step 2 before 1, just because it is easier to do tonight (I can't talk to the principal now I am at home)..
Fairwell for now. You may not see me for a while, as I will need to detoxify from the internet to finally break this curse on me.
I have my means and ways of finding out information, and innocent people are getting mixed up in the mess, just because they have some loose connection to me (i.e. Skye from my lifestyles group) and there are even people I don't even know getting blammed for stuff (a chick called Ritamumof2 on a site...
It's not fair to all those people who get banned from a site they like, because of me - Nicky, Christie, Jami, Shannon etc... Even though they say they don't care, as the site became bitchy anyway... But it's all my fault.
I have lied so much in the past, that it's now eating away at me. I said I got counselloring when I didn't. Well I did, but that was before all the shit went down. I did speak to the school principal, and he has said the education department provides a free counselloring service. He did give me the number to contact, but I didn't and now it's lost.
My first step to recovery is to organise a counsellor - I am going to ask the Principal for the number again tomorrow. I have spoken to Shaun about it, and he says that if I need it then go for it. I really think I need it.
My second step to recovery is to speak to the main person caught up in this mess, and getting hurt by me. I don't mean to cause them pain. I am scared to, as I want to have confidentiality in what I tell her, but I don't know if I can get that after the things I did to her. I don't want her running to her friends/family and online support group telling them what I said. I am going to have to trust that she doesn't. And after I tell her what I want to tell her, then I won't be able to check up - as I am telling her the means I have to get the information I have been getting.
My third step - and hardest step - to recovery is to actually stay away, stop getting into the system or attempting to get in. I need to let everyone be and leave them alone.
It's funny (not in the haha sense), because the reason I am still there and annoying them, is because I know I can get a reaction. I sit silently reading their posts, thinking - this is boring, I am going to give up, but then I do something to let on that I have access and then shit hits the fan. I find Kattikus the most ammusing.... She says things like "I can't believe she [me] thinks we still talk about her" - well you are!! That's why I am still there. If people just ignored me, like admin keep telling her, and not reacting to the things I do, then it would be easier to get bored and finally leave them alone.
Well... I am leaving this post public, because I don't care who reads it. mummy2kieran might read it and tell her friends to read it.. and they will all go on about how it's all a ploy/I've said I am going to do it before and didn't. I'm just a liar. But I don't care.
For all those who do care about me, and believe I am genuine, I ask for your support. Check how I am going with the counselloring. Encourage me to get over it and leave the poor girls alone. I don't want to be a stalker - and I am sure that what I am doing is bordering (if not actually) stalking. I am disgusted with myself. Well I think I might try step 2 before 1, just because it is easier to do tonight (I can't talk to the principal now I am at home)..
Fairwell for now. You may not see me for a while, as I will need to detoxify from the internet to finally break this curse on me.
