![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Finally over
When I was 16 it all started....
I never had a problem with what people thought. I was happy and lived my life the way I wanted. I had a lot going for me and everything was good. But when I turned 16, my outlook on life changed.
I don't know exactly what it was.. It could have been the pressures of TEE or just normal teenage blues, but my depression started. It was bad though. I couldn't admit it, and the one time I did, I was told - "you don't know what depression is..." I no longer had the will to live and decided to end it. I tried a variety of methods to kill myself. I was scared of pain, so didn't want to 'cut' myself, so tried to OD on medication. Luckily it didn't really do anything to me, other than make me a bit sick and lethargic.
I told my best friend that I wanted to die, and asked her not to tell anyone. I just wanted to share how I felt. Much to my annoyance at the time, she didn't do what I asked and told a teacher, who then told the school psych. One day while in maths, I was called out of class to see her. I hated my best friend for it, and I hated seeing the psych. As far as I was concerned, nothing was wrong. The psych tried to blame all sorts of things which angered me, and then she told my parents.
My dad was furious. He dealt with it in the strangest way, telling me that if I wanted to kill myself, I should do it properly, not the half hearted way I attempted. He grabbed a knife out the kitchen and slit his wrist right infront of me. It scared me. He said that pain was nothing when you wanted to die, and I obviously didn't want to die bad enough. He then progressed to tell me that slitting your wrists the way he did would bleed, but not kill you, and then described the right way to do it. He said that if I didn't care about my family enough to consider how they would feel if I was dead, then to go ahead.
Although it was a very unorthadox way to deal with the situation, and could have lead me to actually be successful with my death, my Dad's reaction shocked me into reality. I was then thankful that my friend had told someone, and although I hated the way Dad had to deal with it, I was glad it affected me the way it did..
But my depression did not stop there. TEE was still stressful, and I was struggling. I hated myself and my body. Then I failed to get into the uni I wanted to get into. I dealt with my frustrations by cutting newspaper with scissors, imagining it to be my skin.
I then started TAFE and met a new bunch of people. I started to have a life, and things seemed to be improving. I would go out every weekend and got to know my new friends well. Most of them were guys and I dated a few of them, but it was fun. I started to smoke cigarettes and pot, but at least I felt happy.
Then one of the guys I was closest to died. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt in my entire life when I was told. I couldn't cope with it, yet I was told "get over it". I was told not to grieve, and hid how I felt from that day forth. It didn't matter that he was my best friend, and he was the first death I had ever experienced.
Then the downward spiral started again. I left the group and started to feel down about myself again. During that time I decided I hated TAFE and my marks started to get affected. I started to cut the newspapers again.
I decided I needed to do something about it, so I reapplied to resit my TEE at a senior school not far from where I lived. My best friend (the one who dobbed on my suicide before) decided to do hers at the same time. It was good. I also got together with Shaun and life started to look good again...
But then it happened, Shaun wanted a break... Why? I couldn't understand. It tore me apart. I met someone else, but my heart was with Shaun. I would meet with this guy and secretly kiss him.. I told Shaun I would wait for him, but I liked the attention I got from this guy. I wanted to sleep with him but didn't. I feel disgusted in myself, and my esteeme went down again.
Shaun came back to me, getting on his hands and knees and begging me back. I took him back, but continued to see the other guy for a little while. The guilt got to me really bad and eventually I told him (the guy) the truth. He was so inlove with me and I really hurt him, and even though it had ended, the guilt got to me. My depression got worse and worse, yet I refused to admit it.
After I finished my TEE the second time, I got into uni. Shaun then asked for another break, which was longer than the first. I dealt with it a bit better - probably because I told Shaun I wasn't going to wait this time, and that I was going to see people. I met another guy and while on a date with him, Shaun called me. He got jealous and begged for me to come back again... it was the last time he asked for a break.
Life started to look good again, and I was doing ok, though I was a bit stressed about the pressures of uni. Then one day I got devistating news. I had gotten home from uni and checked my phone messages before going to work. There was a message from my mum saying "Caroline, please call me asap, I have some news"... she sounded upset.
I called her back again and was told about the abuse my sister had gone through as a child. From the age of 10 to the age of 16, my darling sister had been raped by my grandfather. The news hit me harder than I could imagine. It was a million times worse than when I was told my friend had died. All the respect I had for my grandfather was thrown out of the window.
Bad thoughts started to go through my head. The time my sister had asked me "when you are raped are you still a virgin" and I replied "don't be stupid - you're not a virgin if you've had a penis in your vagina"... So many hits she had given to me, and the heartless responses I gave her. Although I was not to know (and she understands that and doesn't blame me) I blamed myself. I started to hate myself again.
I remembered all the times I was mean to my sister, and how horrible her life would have been. I beat myself up badly. I saw the uni psych, but had learned how to cover how I felt well enough to even hide it from the psych... He told me I seemed to be coping well and that I didn't really need to see him unless I wanted to...
Depression started to get worse again. It was getting worse and worse. Then I joined Nutrimetics. I was doing really well, and my outlook on life started to improve, until my business went down the tubes due to me not having enough time (due to teaching prac) to dedicate to it.. I thought it was because I was a bad person and beat myself up about it.
My upline could tell and said to me "you have depression, you need to get help"... Finally someone told me what I needed to hear. I had spent so much time denying I had depression, because of the original comment made to me (that I wouldn't know what depression was) and I had avoided the help I needed.
I went to see a councellor and addressed many of the problems I had, and started to get better...
Then I joined a certain board (whose name I wont mention here). One of my friends frequented there, and I wanted to see what the fuss was about. It was a parenting board, and I wasn't a parent.. I thought I would have to be one, so created a persona. I pretended to be a new mum and created a job for myself - clairvoyancy. I thought this would be safe, as I had learned a bit about clairvoyancy through my witchcraft, and was well known to be reasonably accurate.
After I was a member there for a couple of weeks, my friend (who didn't know that it was me) invited me to join and see what this clairvoyant had to say about me. I knew this was the opportunity to actually be myself to joined.
It was great, I gradually phased out the fake me and got to know people as the real me. The board created a weight loss forum, and I joined. (through years of depression, I had put on a fair amount of weight). There was one girl on the board though, who got annoyed at my enthusiasm, and had a nasty attack at the number of posts I had made.
I got really annoyed. I thought she was attacking me, and in my fury posted a goodbye post. One girl had recently posted a goodbye post and it had caused a big kerfuffle about it all, and she had been banned. I asked for my account to be deleted after 24 hours, so at least I could say goodbye to those who I had made friends with.
Could they wait 24 hours? No. They banned me within 2 hours. I was so pissed off. I immediately logged on as my original (fake) persona to read any goodbye posts, to find really nasty things being said about me. What did I do? All I did was post a goodbye post....
I got really mad and sent nasty emails to admin. I kept logging in as fake me to see what was going on, and made a few posts. That's when it clicked for them, and they realised that both were me. It really annoyed them and they thought I had originally set out to dupe them.
I tried to explain myself, but by then it had gotten out of hand. Some of the girls got nasty, and I couldn't help myself but get nasty back. I knew they were talking about me, so continuously created account after account to see what they were saying. In reality they had stopped talking about me, and it was only when they figured out my new accounts (which made them angry) that I would come back into conversation. But I was obsessed. And the depression was coming back. While I tried to explain myself, I started to hate myself, and act in a way I hated...
After my hens night (in which I lost a friend - due to many reasons - another story in itself) and my wedding, I decided I really needed to get over it. I told everyone I was getting help, but in reality, the help was just myself.
I stopped going to the board (any board, really - thus my lack of activity here). I changed the way I thought about things. I changed my diet. I made active and consious choices, based on what I had learned from my counsellor the first time. I REALLY made the differences this time.
And now I am proud to announce that I think I am finally free. This is the longest I have been away from my depression. This is the HAPPIEST I have been for god knows how long. I feel like I am doing things right, and when things happen that would usually get me down, I have a different outlook. I can deal with it more rationally.
And that brings me to now... Thankyou for reading. Now you know.
I never had a problem with what people thought. I was happy and lived my life the way I wanted. I had a lot going for me and everything was good. But when I turned 16, my outlook on life changed.
I don't know exactly what it was.. It could have been the pressures of TEE or just normal teenage blues, but my depression started. It was bad though. I couldn't admit it, and the one time I did, I was told - "you don't know what depression is..." I no longer had the will to live and decided to end it. I tried a variety of methods to kill myself. I was scared of pain, so didn't want to 'cut' myself, so tried to OD on medication. Luckily it didn't really do anything to me, other than make me a bit sick and lethargic.
I told my best friend that I wanted to die, and asked her not to tell anyone. I just wanted to share how I felt. Much to my annoyance at the time, she didn't do what I asked and told a teacher, who then told the school psych. One day while in maths, I was called out of class to see her. I hated my best friend for it, and I hated seeing the psych. As far as I was concerned, nothing was wrong. The psych tried to blame all sorts of things which angered me, and then she told my parents.
My dad was furious. He dealt with it in the strangest way, telling me that if I wanted to kill myself, I should do it properly, not the half hearted way I attempted. He grabbed a knife out the kitchen and slit his wrist right infront of me. It scared me. He said that pain was nothing when you wanted to die, and I obviously didn't want to die bad enough. He then progressed to tell me that slitting your wrists the way he did would bleed, but not kill you, and then described the right way to do it. He said that if I didn't care about my family enough to consider how they would feel if I was dead, then to go ahead.
Although it was a very unorthadox way to deal with the situation, and could have lead me to actually be successful with my death, my Dad's reaction shocked me into reality. I was then thankful that my friend had told someone, and although I hated the way Dad had to deal with it, I was glad it affected me the way it did..
But my depression did not stop there. TEE was still stressful, and I was struggling. I hated myself and my body. Then I failed to get into the uni I wanted to get into. I dealt with my frustrations by cutting newspaper with scissors, imagining it to be my skin.
I then started TAFE and met a new bunch of people. I started to have a life, and things seemed to be improving. I would go out every weekend and got to know my new friends well. Most of them were guys and I dated a few of them, but it was fun. I started to smoke cigarettes and pot, but at least I felt happy.
Then one of the guys I was closest to died. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt in my entire life when I was told. I couldn't cope with it, yet I was told "get over it". I was told not to grieve, and hid how I felt from that day forth. It didn't matter that he was my best friend, and he was the first death I had ever experienced.
Then the downward spiral started again. I left the group and started to feel down about myself again. During that time I decided I hated TAFE and my marks started to get affected. I started to cut the newspapers again.
I decided I needed to do something about it, so I reapplied to resit my TEE at a senior school not far from where I lived. My best friend (the one who dobbed on my suicide before) decided to do hers at the same time. It was good. I also got together with Shaun and life started to look good again...
But then it happened, Shaun wanted a break... Why? I couldn't understand. It tore me apart. I met someone else, but my heart was with Shaun. I would meet with this guy and secretly kiss him.. I told Shaun I would wait for him, but I liked the attention I got from this guy. I wanted to sleep with him but didn't. I feel disgusted in myself, and my esteeme went down again.
Shaun came back to me, getting on his hands and knees and begging me back. I took him back, but continued to see the other guy for a little while. The guilt got to me really bad and eventually I told him (the guy) the truth. He was so inlove with me and I really hurt him, and even though it had ended, the guilt got to me. My depression got worse and worse, yet I refused to admit it.
After I finished my TEE the second time, I got into uni. Shaun then asked for another break, which was longer than the first. I dealt with it a bit better - probably because I told Shaun I wasn't going to wait this time, and that I was going to see people. I met another guy and while on a date with him, Shaun called me. He got jealous and begged for me to come back again... it was the last time he asked for a break.
Life started to look good again, and I was doing ok, though I was a bit stressed about the pressures of uni. Then one day I got devistating news. I had gotten home from uni and checked my phone messages before going to work. There was a message from my mum saying "Caroline, please call me asap, I have some news"... she sounded upset.
I called her back again and was told about the abuse my sister had gone through as a child. From the age of 10 to the age of 16, my darling sister had been raped by my grandfather. The news hit me harder than I could imagine. It was a million times worse than when I was told my friend had died. All the respect I had for my grandfather was thrown out of the window.
Bad thoughts started to go through my head. The time my sister had asked me "when you are raped are you still a virgin" and I replied "don't be stupid - you're not a virgin if you've had a penis in your vagina"... So many hits she had given to me, and the heartless responses I gave her. Although I was not to know (and she understands that and doesn't blame me) I blamed myself. I started to hate myself again.
I remembered all the times I was mean to my sister, and how horrible her life would have been. I beat myself up badly. I saw the uni psych, but had learned how to cover how I felt well enough to even hide it from the psych... He told me I seemed to be coping well and that I didn't really need to see him unless I wanted to...
Depression started to get worse again. It was getting worse and worse. Then I joined Nutrimetics. I was doing really well, and my outlook on life started to improve, until my business went down the tubes due to me not having enough time (due to teaching prac) to dedicate to it.. I thought it was because I was a bad person and beat myself up about it.
My upline could tell and said to me "you have depression, you need to get help"... Finally someone told me what I needed to hear. I had spent so much time denying I had depression, because of the original comment made to me (that I wouldn't know what depression was) and I had avoided the help I needed.
I went to see a councellor and addressed many of the problems I had, and started to get better...
Then I joined a certain board (whose name I wont mention here). One of my friends frequented there, and I wanted to see what the fuss was about. It was a parenting board, and I wasn't a parent.. I thought I would have to be one, so created a persona. I pretended to be a new mum and created a job for myself - clairvoyancy. I thought this would be safe, as I had learned a bit about clairvoyancy through my witchcraft, and was well known to be reasonably accurate.
After I was a member there for a couple of weeks, my friend (who didn't know that it was me) invited me to join and see what this clairvoyant had to say about me. I knew this was the opportunity to actually be myself to joined.
It was great, I gradually phased out the fake me and got to know people as the real me. The board created a weight loss forum, and I joined. (through years of depression, I had put on a fair amount of weight). There was one girl on the board though, who got annoyed at my enthusiasm, and had a nasty attack at the number of posts I had made.
I got really annoyed. I thought she was attacking me, and in my fury posted a goodbye post. One girl had recently posted a goodbye post and it had caused a big kerfuffle about it all, and she had been banned. I asked for my account to be deleted after 24 hours, so at least I could say goodbye to those who I had made friends with.
Could they wait 24 hours? No. They banned me within 2 hours. I was so pissed off. I immediately logged on as my original (fake) persona to read any goodbye posts, to find really nasty things being said about me. What did I do? All I did was post a goodbye post....
I got really mad and sent nasty emails to admin. I kept logging in as fake me to see what was going on, and made a few posts. That's when it clicked for them, and they realised that both were me. It really annoyed them and they thought I had originally set out to dupe them.
I tried to explain myself, but by then it had gotten out of hand. Some of the girls got nasty, and I couldn't help myself but get nasty back. I knew they were talking about me, so continuously created account after account to see what they were saying. In reality they had stopped talking about me, and it was only when they figured out my new accounts (which made them angry) that I would come back into conversation. But I was obsessed. And the depression was coming back. While I tried to explain myself, I started to hate myself, and act in a way I hated...
After my hens night (in which I lost a friend - due to many reasons - another story in itself) and my wedding, I decided I really needed to get over it. I told everyone I was getting help, but in reality, the help was just myself.
I stopped going to the board (any board, really - thus my lack of activity here). I changed the way I thought about things. I changed my diet. I made active and consious choices, based on what I had learned from my counsellor the first time. I REALLY made the differences this time.
And now I am proud to announce that I think I am finally free. This is the longest I have been away from my depression. This is the HAPPIEST I have been for god knows how long. I feel like I am doing things right, and when things happen that would usually get me down, I have a different outlook. I can deal with it more rationally.
And that brings me to now... Thankyou for reading. Now you know.